https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfuWXRZe9yA

I learned to say “This too shall pass” when I am in pain, but I forgot to do it when I was happy.  The fall from happiness is the hardest fall.

I am coming back to myself today, but it’s confusing because I don’t know who I am.  I watch people for clues and study their reaction to me, what do they see and why does each one have a different reaction?  I feel the sad disappointment of the world’s inconsistency, but there is no one to rely on but myself.  At these times, it’s just about moving myself forward.

I can see the faults of others but for my faults I have excuses and justification, I am slowly freezing in the cement of time, repeating the same mistake for an eternity of a lifetime.  I programmed a perfect loop in my head and each time I hit a certain point in the algorithm,  there is a bug.  I used to have nightmares that were made of these infinite loops when I was a programmer, now I understand how they could happen.  I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  But it’s ok……. I am sad. I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  I am sad.  But it’s ok….

n = I am sad+1

Isaiah turned five years old yesterday.

“She is an older woman”, I used to think about women with 5-year-olds.  I look around at the beautiful faces of friends.  We hang on to our youth like we can control time.

I gave Isaiah a figurine of Yoda.  He told me he really liked Yoda for a while, but this time, he looked at him closely and said, “Mama, I don’t like him.  Look at his eyes, they are pointing up and look, he is walking with a stick, that means he is dying.”

Behind Blue Eyes

by the Who

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes